A Post Pondering My Future

Because of where I am in my schooling, people like to ask me this one pesky little question.  It’s, well, pesky.  Not because of the people who ask it, or because of their intentions, but simply because I don’t have an answer that satisfies me.

That question is phrased one of two ways.  Either it’s, “What are you going to do when you get out of highschool?” or it’s, “Are you going to college?”

Here’s my answer in a single word: gah.

I really don’t know, to be honest.  What am I going to do?  I have things I’d like to do when I graduate highschool.  Those things may or may not include getting my own place and meeting some of my friends who live on the east coast.  (And eventually the friend who lives in New Zealand, but she might have to meet me half-way, heh.)  But what am I going to do with my life?

The easiest answer to give is that I want to be a published author.  I’ve been writing for four years and I’ve rewritten the same novel so many times that when people ask me how many novels I’ve written, I honestly don’t know how to answer (which, in effect, makes it seem like I’ve written a lot…right?).  I feel like I might not be…too too far off from being at a state where I can publish.  (Not too too far off means maybe sometime in the next decade, rather than in the next three or seven.  Maybe.)

That’s not the only answer, though.  I mean, what if writing isn’t it?  I don’t think I’ll ever decide I don’t want to be a writer, but what if it doesn’t happen as quickly as I hope?  What if, in twenty years, I’m still here writing novels that I only let myself and the occasional close friend or family member read, and the public doesn’t even know those stories and those exist?  What then?

So I’ve composed a list.  What could I do when I get out of high-school, that I think I’d be happy enough doing as a career?  And every time someone asks me, I pick a random thing from the list, maybe two or three things, and tell them that.

I have, of course, being a published author in the list.  I’ve also entertained the idea of writing, instead of standard novels, comic books, though I’m not entirely sure how that’s much different from being a published author.  I’m sure I’ve also considered writing screenplays.  Away from the writing, though, I’ve also considered doing something with my drawings.  Perhaps, doing commission work, though that doesn’t sound like so much fun.  Or perhaps designing book covers.  Maybe I could do something completely out of my comfort zone, and try my hand at software design/computer programming.  My dad tells me that just by being female, I could have a head-start with that, because apparently people really want women in that field.

But which one?  How in the world do I decide on one?

I think about it a lot.  Sometimes, even to the point that I stress myself out.  Most of the time, I’ll just tell myself that I’ll do…a little of all of it.  I’ll just keep writing until I’m content enough to publish, and I’ll keep drawing until I’m comfortable enough to let people see my drawings before I’ve absolutely perfected them, and maybe one of those things will be my career, or maybe both, or maybe neither.

I admit, though, that I can’t satisfy myself with that.  How can I just say, whatever’ll happen’ll happen and don’t worry about it until it gets here?  I want to know what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life, and so I keep thinking and wondering and pondering.

And that list just gets bigger and bigger.

The latest edition to the list is writing video game stories.  Yeah, okay, that might sound a little weird, but there’s that saying, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself, right?  Well, I want to see a good video game out there whose intended audience is teenage girls like myself, but the game is fun and adventurous and, well, awesome.  Enough with the zombies and the virtual shopping malls and the skimpy clothing, thank you.  (Not that I’ve seen all three of those in one game before…but I don’t want to.  That’d be nightmarish.  Ick.)

So.  I’ll write one myself.

Will that, or could that, turn into a career?  I’m not sure.  I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to really answer the question, “What am I going to do?” for another few years at the very least.  I guess I just have to be content with that for now.

Update!

So, it’s been a few days since I’ve posted. Well, just to let you all know, I’m still living and writing. Not as much as I’d like (the writing part, I mean), but I’ve also been working on some other things, like drawing a certain character for someone. You know who you are, and how much trouble you’ve caused me today….. Ahem.

Anyhow, I’ve signed up for Camp Nano, and I’m getting excited for that. Enough so that I have to remind myself that I’m supposed to be writing something else right now.

I do have a few excuses for not writing, though. As I said above, I’ve been working on some random art. I’ve also been having problems in my hip, and I’m having trouble walking. I’ve been putting heat on it, but it doesn’t seem to want to go away—and it’s been hurting since Wednesday. Five days, and it’s only gotten worse. Hmm.

I’ve also randomly noticed that I say anyhow and anyway a lot. So I started using the non-word anywho. Maybe I should just mix the letters up a little bit. Wynoah. That shall be my new word. Wynoah. It’s kinda fun to say.